In Canton, In Georiga and to the ends of the Earth. Yeah.

I'm finding that I go into default mode a lot when it comes to the bible verses I use.

Whenever I'm in a situation or I am choosing a topic to cover in youth I always try to default all the verses I already know and that I'm familiar with. And hopefully no one else will be familiar with them because that makes me really smart and spiritual, right? Right.

But I don't always step back and look at those verses in their overall context. It makes me feel silly on morning like this when I actually catch a glimpse of what God is really saying to me.

For example: Isaiah 6:8.
We know this one.
There are 136 praise song we sing in reference to it.
We've all sat through 27 Sunday school lessons about it.
And still every time we hear it we are compelled, We say, "God, send me!"

And that's what Isaiah 6:8 says:

8Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who
will go for us?"And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

I know I want God to send me. Every time I hear this verse I am inspired to go for God.

But rarely have I heard it explained as to what God was commissioning Isaiah to do actually do.
And what Isaiah agreed to do.

After Isaiah utters his infamous words God gives him his orders:

9 "Go and tell this people; be ever hearing, but
never understanding; be ever seeing, but
never perceiving.'

10 Make the heart of this people calloused;
make their ears dull and close their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears, understand with their hearts,
and turn and be healed"

Ouch! I do not want to be the one delivering that message. Isaiah wasn't being called to share the sunshine and butterflies of Christianity. I wonder sometimes how I would stand up to the test of not baring the good news. I wonder if I would just back off. "Oh no, God. I didn't say 'send me'... I said 'send Pete.' You know Pete. He's kinda tall, dark hair, really good at all that confrontational stuff. Yeah yeah. Send Pete."

I hope not though. I hope instead of turning and running that my reply would be like Isaiah's.

Simply this: "Lord, how long.?"

God said "jump" and Isaiah said "how high". God told him to do something and he asked how long. He wasn't questioning, complaining or reconsidering. I hope I take that into consideration next time I say, or encourage other people to say, "Here am I. Send me."

Because it's a much bigger call than we realize.

I'm going to start being more aware of the context of the scriptures I quote and comments I make. Thanks, God, for the heart check.

This is the song that never ends.

My mind has been running circles around me recently.

So many things have been happening and changing. And its only going to happen faster and change more from here on out.

Part of me really wants to be part of what's changing and not part of what is staying the same. I want to be part of something different.

Its been a really strange night for me. I'm going to try to post one day soon so I can wrap these thoughts together in a way that makes sense. For now this is all I got. Insensible-- yeah..that sounds like me.

Oh, Brother.

I really do Love having my brother home.

I enjoy his companionship. I miss him when he's gone. And even though I'm happy for him to be in other places living and experiencing, it difficult not being there to take care of him. To make sure he doesn't do anything dangerous or getting himself hurt.

Stephen likes to talk to me about going places with him. He told me he thinks we should go town to town, only staying places for months at a time, and (essentially) setting up programs within communities where people can get involved and volunteer in making their city a better place.

How either of us are qualified for that, I do not know.

As he'll tells me about going place, seeing things, living the nomadic life, I'm always torn. I enjoy seeing new place, meeting new people, learning new things, experiencing life in ways that can only be experienced at that one place in that one moment.

I envy him at times for being able to go and do freely. Sometimes I feel held here, not by my own desires to be here, but because I worry about what would happen if I left. (I don't think that I'm the glue holding things together...I just want to be close enough in case I ever would be needed) To carry such little responsibility. He has no weight of obligation. He answers to himself only.

That is where I do not envy him. I can't imagine laying my head down at night and not answering for my life that day. To go to bed not wondering if I had done the day justice. What is the point of being able to go and do freely if the things you do are done in vain.

Not having anything to live for.
No One
to live for.

I want to go and see and do. But I want to do all those things with and for Him that called me and set me apart for His distinct purpose.

I can only imagine that anything else would simple be wandering.

How empty that must feel.

How lonely that must be.

I'll pray for Stephen a little bit harder today because I don't want him to be wander, or be empty, or be lonely.

Forces

I try to hard.

I try to make things happen. That should be a good thing, I think.
Big picture, I think it's a good thing.
Small picture, (like blog contents) I try to hard with.

I don't have a lot any insight to prominent issues.
I don't have cute sayings about life.
I don't have alliterative sermon points.
I don't think I've ever really had an original thought.

I'm okay with that though. I'm going to try to start blogging more for me. My own epiphanies, should I ever actually have any. More than anything else, I just want this to be a place where I can be real. Not try to come up with anything really spiritual to say. God shows me so much of Himself every day. I don't know why I think I have to put it into a blog. That's just me trying to be cool.

We'll see where this goes. I just want to be me.
I'm good at being me.
Being me isn't always good.
But I'm good at it, nonetheless.

And I'm working on making it better.

(Plus, the fact that no one reads this blog will help with my humility.)